["Where The Devil Don't Stay" by Drive-By Truckers plays]
[fire crackles]
[puffs smoke]
♪ My daddy played poker In the woods they say ♪
- [cranking, buzzing] - ♪ Back in his younger days ♪
♪ Prohibition was the talk, But the rick folks walked ♪
- ♪ To the woods where my daddy stayed ♪ - [chains rattle]
- [squealing] - ♪ Jugs and jars from shiners ♪
- ♪ These old boys here ♪ - [menacing laughter]
♪ They ain't miners ♪
- ♪ They came from the twenty-niners ♪ - [whacking]
♪ It didn't take a hole in the ground To put the bottom in their face ♪
[engine revs]
[tires screech]
[engine rumbles]
[indistinct rustling]
[male host] Give it up for Adrienne Iapalucci!
[cheering]
[applause]
Awesome, thank you.
That was an appropriate amount of applause for a woman. [laughs]
[audience whoos]
Yeah, it was about 60% less. That's cool.
[laughter]
I know it is... It's not great to be white right now.
We are being watched very closely.
Like a black guy in a CVS.
[oohs and laughter]
I know.
I know. It sucks to be white right now, especially if you're a white dude, though,
- because everyone just fucking hates you. - [laughing]
I think you'll come back around but right now it's brutal
'cause everybody... [laughs] hates white guys,
except for when you get one on the phone for customer service.
- [laughter and applause] - [Adrienne laughs]
Thank God. [chuckles]
You saved me.
Even Indian people are like, "That was a close." [laughs]
[audience laughs]
I had a flat tire, I was changing it and this guy goes,
"I'd help you, but you seem like a real feminist."
[laughing]
I know, I was just like, "I am not."
[laughter]
I was like, "I don't even think women should be allowed to drive.
Now change my tire."
I know. [laughs]
People ask me, "Are you worried
they're going to start taking women's rights away?"
I'm like, "I don't know man. If they do, though, I hope they start with blogging."
[audience laughs]
Look, I know we all have a voice but not everybody needs to be heard.
[continued laughter]
I don't know, also if you have a recipe for potato salad and it has raisins in it,
like we're probably not going to line up politically.
[applause and laughter]
I know.
I am a feminist but I'm a lazy feminist, you know?
Like, I want equal rights,
but I'm not going to do anything to get that.
[audience laughs]
I don't even know what all the rights are. [scoffs]
- Just want whatever I'm being denied. - [laughing]
I know, there's a lot of radical feminists, though,
they're like, "Fuck all men."
You're like, "Fuck all men? We can't do that." [laughs]
[audience laughs]
[sighs] But what they really mean is, like, "We don't need a man."
I'm like, "Well, who's going to take your air conditioner out?"
[laughter]
"You gonna take your air conditioner out, Sarah?"
"No, then we can't fuck all men." [laughs]
[audience laughs]
Let's just keep it on a case-by-case basis.
Like we've been doing.
[laughter]
It is a weird climate right now, you know? Men don't know if they can help women,
women don't know if they can accept help from men.
There have been a lot of rapes.
[laughing]
Just a butt-load of rapes.
I do feel like all those rapes kind of put that cat-calling video into perspective.
Remember when people were really upset?
They were like, "Men are whistling at women."
Now a couple years later, we're like, "Maybe that wasn't that bad."
[uproarious laughter]
[applause]
Maybe a construction guy calling you pretty isn't the worst.
[audience laughs]
I don't know, I do support the Me Too movement.
[man whoos]
Yeah, you gotta support the Me Too movement.
- [laughter] - My only problem with it though,
is that we're just lumping all of men's shitty behavior into one category.
You know? Like, even murder has separate categories.
There's like murder-murder and then like oopsie-murder...
[audience laughs]
[Adrienne chuckles]
where you kill somebody, but you're sorry.
[laughing]
So they let you get away with it... [chuckles]
'cause you're white.
[oohs and laughter]
I don't know, guys, basically what I'm trying to say is,
not everybody is Cosby.
[audience laughs]
I know, there's a big difference between Cosby and Al Franken
and they should be punished differently.
[man oohs]
Look, if you drug woman and have sex with them, that is rape-rape,
but if you just, like, touch a boob in the park...
I don't know, man, maybe you just can't use Uber anymore.
[laughter]
Especially not UberPool. [laughs]
[audience laughs]
So many sexual allegations,
I just started reading them the same way I read a credit card statement.
Where I'm like, "I hope this isn't that bad.
[laughter]
Hope he just called her sweet tits."
[continued laughter]
I know, Morgan Freeman, that's one of the new ones.
I know, I was like, "I got to be honest, I'm not going to stop watching Shawshank."
[audience laughs]
He's already in prison in the movie.
[uproarious laughter]
[clicks tongue] I will just pretend he's in there for sexual assault.
I know. Morgan Freeman's been my favorite actor since I was a kid,
like, if I found out he assaulted my own mother,
I'd be like, "Look, I'm going to need to hear both sides first."
[laughing]
I know. My mom does think everybody wants to rape her.
I was like, "Where are you getting this confidence from?
[audience laughs]
Like, your own husband stopped fucking you."
[oohs and laughter]
As a woman, I'm glad I'm alive now, you know, not like back in the day.
I also just think I would've set women further back,
just 'cause it's so hard to offend me.
If I was working in an office in the '60s,
and some woman was like, "You know what? These men can't just call us skirts."
I think I'd have been like, "I don't know, we're wearing skirts."
[audience laughs]
I'd have been like, "I don't think it's that big of a deal.
Personally, I'm just trying to get hit less at home." [laughs]
[laughter]
Oh, man.
- [whoos and applause] - [Adrienne exhales]
"Being called 'skirt' is the least of my problems.
I got to work on that casserole." [laughs]
[audience laughs]
I know. That's okay.
Some of you guys got offended by that joke. [laughs]
[continued laughter]
People forget though, it used to be socially acceptable
to just hit your wife back in the day.
People forget that but it's like, why do you think
there were so many great boxers in the '60s and '70s?
- [oohs] - [woman cackles]
Just getting in all those extra reps.
[Adrienne chuckles]
I know. I'd be bad for the women's movement, though.
Just because I used to have a day job where I'd let my boss sexually harass me,
just 'cause it made the day go by quicker.
[laughter]
I know. [sighs] Everyone would get so mad at me, they're like,
"Why are you letting him talk to you like that?"
I'm like, "While he's telling me how nice my rack is,
you're doing a PowerPoint presentation."
[continued laughter]
Who's the real feminist?
[applause]
Work smarter, not harder.
[laughing]
I don't know. It's not bad being a woman, though,
they're going to start taking the taxes off tampons, you know,
'cause that's the reason why I don't have a house. [laughs]
[audience laughs]
[woman whoos]
Paying that hefty tampon tax.
Figure if I take those three dollars a year...
and invest...
in about 10 years, I'll be able to buy two boxes of tampons.
[laughter and cheering]
I have a friend that's super excited about it, she was like,
"If they weren't gonna take the taxes off, I was going to stop wearing them."
She goes, I know, she was like, "What were you going to do?"
I was like, "Stop being your friend."
[audience laughs]
'Cause her reasoning is just so crazy.
She was like, "I feel like those products are a part of a male agenda."
I was like, "I don't know if that's true. When they were first made
it was the early 1900s,
there were not a lot of women in the workforce.
I don't think it was a male agenda,
I just think some dude got tired of buying a new couch every six months."
- [uproarious laughter] - [Adrienne chuckles]
Like... [exhales deeply]
You can only turn those cushions over...
- [laughter] - [woman whoos]
so many times...
before you have to throw the whole couch away.
I mean, if you think about it,
that's the reason why your grandparents had plastic on their couches.
- [oohs and laughter] - [Adrienne laughs, hums]
[whoos and applause]
I don't know. I'm not a good feminist, I'm still listening to R. Kelly.
- [audience laughs] - [woman] Yeah!
Kind of forgot how good that music was until the documentary came out.
[laughter]
People are freaking out, they're like, "What are we going to do to his music?"
I'm like, "Look obviously I'm not going to support anything new that he puts out.
Unless it's great."
- [laughter] - [Adrienne chuckles]
Honestly, though, all of his old music, that's all grandfathered in.
[continued laughter]
Look, if you're not listening to that music,
it's like he fucked those kids for nothing.
[oohs and laughing]
Hey guys, look, you... [laughs]
[continued laughing]
You may not support the war, but you always support the soldiers.
- [Adrienne laughs] - [audience cheers]
Oh, man.
[applause]
Those girls served this country.
Yeah, I think they should have the same rights as veterans.
Should be able to go to school for free,
board the plane first...
Why are we letting your grandmothers board the plane first?
They've done nothing for us.
Those girls are the reason why we have the remix to "Ignition."
- [uproarious laughter] - [woman whoos]
[cackling]
Oh man, did you watch the documentary, though?
I didn't know he was having sex with kids and then keeping them in his house.
You're like, "Kelly, catch and release!" [laughs]
[laughter]
You can't have the whole JV basketball team in your basement.
They're like, "We're losing a lot of games.
Where are the point guards?"
I don't know. I think he was just having sex with kids
'cause they were at the same reading level.
[audience laughs]
Look, I don't care if you guys laugh at that or not. [laughs]
[continued laughter]
- I was ignored my whole childhood. - [woman cheers]
Yeah, I would have loved to have been at R. Kelly's house.
[laughter]
Oh my God, there would have been so many kids to play with.
[laughing]
Oh, man, what a sick game of tag that would have been.
[audience oohs]
I don't know. R. Kelly's a guy that put out a song called
"I Believe I Can Fly." Like...
If he thought he could fly,
he definitely thought he could fuck some kids and get away with it.
[laughter]
I know. Some of you guys are getting upset, so...
[woman cackles]
We'll change the material a little bit.
Let's talk about the Michael Jackson documentary.
[uproarious laughter]
- [applause] - Ooh. [sighs]
A much classier rape story.
[laughter]
I don't know. I like how he got the whole family involved.
Just flying the whole family first class all around the country,
you're like, wow, if you're a victim of R. Kelly's watching that,
how pissed are you?
[audience laughs]
You're like, "That dude wouldn't even give me a ham sandwich."
- [continued laughter] - [Adrienne chuckles]
I asked my friend, I was like,
"Would you rather have gotten fucked by white Michael Jackson
or black Michael Jackson?"
He said white 'cause he's racist.
[laughing]
I was like, "The correct answer is black."
Yeah, that's when you want to get fucked by him, when he was Thriller.
Top of his game, yeah.
You don't want to get fucked by white Michael Jackson.
That's when he was writing songs about whales.
[laughter]
Dangling kids off of fire escapes.
White Michael Jackson was also physically falling apart.
He kept getting those nose surgeries
where his nose is getting smaller and smaller and smaller.
And I think he just thought he could get his face further in their ass cracks.
[oohs and laughter]
Like, "Hm..."
[applause]
- [cheering] - Ah!
"One more surgery, I'm going to taste kidneys." [laughs]
- [uproarious laughter] - [Adrienne giggles]
Guys...
I think I'm gonna be a good mom. [laughs]
[laughter and cheering]
Yeah.
If Michael Jackson was fucking one of my kids,
- I would have just fucked one of his. - [laughing]
Be like, "All right, Curtain." [laughs]
"You're not going to have fun at my house.
I live up a five-flight walk up."
[laughter]
They'd go home, be like, "Dad, you gotta stop fucking her kids.
She got us doing her dishes and walking her dog." [laughs]
[laughing]
I know that's a joke, obviously. [laughs]
I don't know how anyone fucks kids.
Kids are so annoying, it makes me wonder.
[laughter]
Like, I just picture some guy trying to jerk off some kid
and the whole time the kid's like, "I want juice.
[continued laughter]
I want to watch TV."
And I picture some poor pedophile with his pants around his ankles like,
"I can't believe I got to get this kid a juice box.
Way to ruin the mood, dick."
[laughing]
The he comes back and he gives it to him,
he'd be like, "I don't want apple juice, I want grape juice."
He'd be like, "Oh!
You're so fucking annoying, I can't even enjoy this."
[audience laughs]
This is my shit.
I feel like if they want people to not fuck kids,
they should let them watch them.
[laughter]
Yeah, I was 99.9% sure I never wanted to fuck a kid.
Then I babysat my nephew and I was like, "Oh, I'm 100% sure."
I never want to fuck a kid, like,
there's no thought in my head like, "Maybe I just haven't met the right one.
[audience laughs]
Maybe I'm going to the wrong playgrounds."
[audience oohs]
The summer is over, though, that's upsetting, right?
Everybody loves the summer, you know? Except for, like, school shooters.
[laughing]
- Oof... - [scattered applause]
They have just been counting down the days.
- [continued laughter] - [Adrienne chuckles]
Doing their back-to-school shooting shopping.
Seeing their friends in Kmart.
And being like, "You're not going to need any of that stuff."
[woman cackles]
Oh, my God, look... [sighs]
I know. There's so many school shootings that there has to be
at least one teacher out there that's just like, "Thank God."
[laughing]
Like, "Ugh, I thought this day would never end."
I know. They want teachers to take a bullet for $30,000,
you're like, "That's not enough money."
Yeah, you have a better chance during a school shooting happening
a teacher taking their own gun out and being like, "Let me get this."
[continued laughter]
"Ah, this kid has not sat down all fucking year."
[laughter and applause]
There are so many school shootings, it's like,
"How do you even pick a favorite?"
- Um... [chuckles] - [audience laughs]
I'm kidding, they're all awful.
Let's just say we have a problem in this country,
and I don't think the government's gonna anything about it.
That's why if I had kids,
I would just take matters into my own hands. I'd be like,
"When you go to school, you make friends with the most awkward kid in there.
[laughter]
The kids sitting in the corner making no eye contact is your best friend."
If he's like, "What if I get made fun of?" I'm like, "That's how you earn his trust."
[audience laughs]
"You want to be the cool kid in school or you want to make it to graduation?"
Those shooters, why did they do it? Because women wouldn't date them.
It's like, "All right, ladies. I've seen some of the guys you fucked.
How about you take one for the team?"
[laughing]
I dated a guy with Asperger's for two and a half years.
Do you think that guy was my first choice?
No.
But I had a responsibility to my community. [sighs]
[audience laughs]
Those two and a half years, not one school shooting in my neighborhood.
[cheering and laughter]
- [scattered applause] - [Adrienne chuckles]
Am I a hero?
- Goddamn right I am. - [audience laughs]
All right, guys. Thank you so much.
[cheering and applause]
[woman whoos]
[man] Yeah!
["Where The Devil Don't Stay" plays]
♪ Back in the thirties When the dust bowl dried ♪
♪ And the woods in Alabama Didn't see no light... ♪